Sunday, April 24, 2005
i feel so glad to be back! back in fellowship =) it was just an amazing experience to once again be, in a sense, back in the folds of Christ. i know i've never really left, for God has always been following me and guiding me in everything i've done, but in a sense i had been shunning Him, leading my own life despite everything i might have been telling myself i was doing. but even now as i find myself making my way back, theres this fear that this is only temporary... that i'll slack off again, or i'll fall back into my sinful ways again. and sometimes its like i doubt my own sincerity, doubt my own faith. sigh. i know i'll always been this kind of person... haha quite funny actually. despite all i've just said, i also know that God will be with me and will see me through.. kinda like contradicting all my feelings. oh well!
All i need is You, all i need is You Lord, is You Lord
had a really tiring week in camp... but fufilling too i guess, once again learning where my limits are, and bonding with my camp mates even more. actually wrote another like, diary entry during my outfield exercise, very similar to the one i made during my field camp on tekong like 2 over months ago. well sadly i then left my diary outfield.. in amoy quee camp hahaha. =p i'll just leave it at that then.
been slowly but steadily finding my way again.. and it feels amazing. because no matter how tired or drained i might feel at anytime, i know that i can carry on. for You are with me Lord, and that alone is sufficient. but ontop of that, i know that i'm not alone on this world either, for i have all of YOU, my lovely friends. thanks for being with me every step of my journey, especially so when i've faltered. i realise that things dont work the way i imagine they should, but instead they work the way they should. does that make sense?
taking a dinner break to collect my thoughts, be back to blog in a sec. =p
tt was really long... heh spent like half an hour talking with my mom about like God and the world =) i find myself like really curious these days about everything, about how God works, what He wants for us, His Word, just everything. never really felt like this before... i feel really blessed now =)
wanna send a special thank you note to like those who have been constantly encouraging me and helping me through me journey with Christ =) ian, mich, stella, leb, bevie, paulus.. and jac =) and whoever else has slipped my mind now, who has been praying for me =) thanks for always being there for me, and welcoming me to your church, constantly 'nagging' at me to have fellowship heh. i know i've been very wishywashy and indecisive, always putting it off and like not committing, hopping from church to church.. but i think i've kinda ended up finding myself at where i should be =)
cellgroup was amazing.. made me realise that i have so much to learn about His Word, and just how curious i can be about it heh.
i've been finding my way in life, and discovering that i'm far from alone. and that means sooo much to me.
so much =)
when i look into the sky above, wonder how my life has changed
wonder how your love it came to me
when i look into the sky above, all my fears so far away
and all i feel is heaven calling me
so i look to you.. so i look to you
no one else will do, no one else will do
so i look to you.. so i look to you
no one else will do, no one else will do
and truly i know that i'm loved. =)
or so it seems, at 6:49 PM
Sunday, April 17, 2005
hmm feel abit sickly. hope im not sick though... got an important week in camp ahead... tests and exercise galore erps :p kinda tired though... despite sleeping most of yesterday.. argh =p dont be sick dont be sick!!! damn viruses.
for all i've been going on about God, i know that fellowship on this earth is important as well. we must have been placed on this world all together for a reason, interacting together and forming friendships and bonds to last a lifetime. but thats not to say that its separate from the relationship we form with God... how do i say, its like, we cant dichotomise it. haha cheemalogy. but u know what i mean, its like, they both form an important part of our lives, and indeed should be... mixed together, so to speak.
another weekends flown past without much ado... but it was great to get together with the guys again! must do it more often :D sahara was a good show... heh quite funny too. oh well cant wait till next weekend... class gathering looms! hehe.
sunday nights... cant wait for the time they dont mean 'back to camp' time =p
or so it seems, at 7:43 PM
so lately all my blogging and journaling has been all about God.. but thats all thats been on my mind, at least when it comes to posting here. i dont know why, but it just seems odd to post about my daily happenings now, after i've been just focusing on God in my posts. but i guess its healthy to still maintain a mix of what i blog about... so. *shrug* =p not gonna think too much about it, but just do what i always do when i blog... let my fingers do the talking heh =)
been a tiring but good week in camp.. for some reason i really enjoy getting shagged out of my life heh. the idea of pushing myself to the limits, and at the same time getting so much satisfaction out of it... it just amazes me sometimes how far i can go, and how much i can do. i still wonder whether i'll ever know where my potential is, for part of me believes that i can keep pushing the limits higher and higher, for its as though as long as God is with me, anything is possible. but i guess my stamina's my main limit, at least with physical activity =p and yet i know that such physical constraints can be pushed... oh well =) another reason for it being such a good experience is that when you go through such an experience with other people, you start to bond really really well. and thats when camp life starts to get so much better, and it actually starts to feel... 'good' to go to camp :p well not that its ever good to be there lah heh, but still makes it so much more livable.
oops spent so much time on doing a photo collage that its time to go out for lunch.. gotta cut short this entry =S will post more when i get home later heh.
or so it seems, at 11:27 AM
Sunday, April 10, 2005
ugh i completely detest this feeling. its like every week i go through the same old routine, and yet the same dreaded feeling comes every sunday night when i have to book in again. despite the fact that everything feels fine the next morning when i wake, this feeling still remains, even after 4 months of service. i really wonder how im ever gonna live on my own. but perhaps its more than just living on my own, its about doing something forced. albeit i know that ns is good for me, but its still draining. no matter how positive i can be about it, it just keeps sapping at you, knowing that in a sense, life is moving on while we're stuck for 2 years of our lives. all that crap about brotherhood and bonding does exist, but how much does it really mean when you know that its all artificially thrown together. its not like we're fighting a war together, living and dying together. its more like we're thrown together to pretend, and it just gets lamer everyweek.
what sucks even more are the hypocrites who are incharge, people who are barely a year or two older, and yet act like their king. i guess this only exists during the training phase (it better) but it kinda makes me realise what a damn fool i was, ever considering signing on. i dont know who likes living like this, but i realise now that army life is definitely not for me.
heh how quickly opinions and feelings can change eh? but its just so disillusioning. i love this country dearly, but when u realise just how super wayang and for show our army is, it just seems so redundant. nevertheless i'll just have to make the best of these remaining 1 year + of army... its the only way to get by.
that, and the knowledge that i am loved by Him. that alone is enough for me.
or is it really? sigh i cannot reconcile the fact that my heart still seems to long for something more. i want to believe in something so dearly, and yet my very being seems to push against my beliefs. guide me Lord, and show me Your way.
or so it seems, at 8:16 PM
Sunday, April 03, 2005
been spending a lot of time in camp thinking about life and my purpose.. been reading the purpose driven life again, and doing devotion everyday. in camp that is. thats the really horrible thing, or not horrible, more weird, or warped, or screwed up. its as if i'm living two lives now, a disciplined and regimented one in camp where i pretty much go through each day in a routine, and a completely spontaneous one on the weekends where everything is done with the knowledge that in 2 days i'll be back in camp again. and it just becomes a huge letdown. its like, when im at home stoning i feel lethargic and depressed, and it really drains me. then when i finally get the impetus to get off my ass and go out and do stuff, i feel alive, and then when its time to come home i feel sian again, cos i know that another day is ending. i just dont know what im living for anymore. especially disappointed with myself that i didnt managed to continue my self-reflective journey with God and my relationship with him... as well as the fact that i dont have the courage to go to church by myself right now. i have so much to consider and think right now... but i'm starting to realise that i need to do so much less thinking and so much more doing.
there's so much i need to fix in my life now, but none so more than my relationship with God
or so it seems, at 7:04 PM
